if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
