I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
