A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
