We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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