We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
