Will you blow on my dice?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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