He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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