Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
