I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
