she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Sext me about skeletons
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
