Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
