im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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