Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
