so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
if only i could text you this smell
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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