I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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