I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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