When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
