There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
