well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
