His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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