no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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