Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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