I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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