I got chris browned last night
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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