My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
