You just made me feel so damn special
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
