Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
