I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
