2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
