Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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