Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
