White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
