woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
