My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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