my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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