Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
