Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
