On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
