the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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