As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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