Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
