Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You can't special order awesome
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
