Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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