im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
