party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
bring money and cleavage
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
