Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
