currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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