All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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