is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
