I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
