I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
