You smell like a Billy Joel song
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Someone came in the potted fern
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
