i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
