I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
