My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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